ano’ng gamot dito?

jarannn!!! marso na!

huling post ko dito ay setiyembre pa pala. ano’ng ganap? well, lahat!

bago na ang trabaho ko. no, i didn’t resign. i was re-assigned to a different post. something i’m not sure i’m even capable and equipped to do well.

aside from the self-doubt, schedule-keeping has never been my strong suit. so i take things as they are every day. which, as some sort of ‘manager’, is not a very good thing to do. management requires planning and foresight — two things i’m not very good at!

and yes, i’m back to my old habits pre-hospitalization. i am trying, though.

tapos punong-puno pa ng kung ano-ano ang utak ko. oh, i have been journaling regularly until i wasn’t. i guess that shows my state of mind na din? sabaw. halo-halo. lutang.

may gamot ako sa hypertension at diabetes. sa lutang na utak, wala pa.

-ber na agad?!

hindi pa ako naiinip sa last Christmas party planning, -ber months na naman?! ganoon lang yata talaga kapag tumatanda, bumibilis o bumabagal ang panahon, depende kung ano yung kailangan mong gawin. yung kapag nag-hihintay ka ng masasakyan pauwi, parang ang tagaaaaaal bago dumating yung susunod na punong jeep/FX. pero kapag may deadline, ambilis ng oras! kakasabi lang ng boss mo alas 10 ng umaga na deadline ng 5pm today, paglingon mo sa relo, 4 o’clock na!

parang andami ko na din naka-plano para sa quarter na ‘to pero biglang Sept 8 na. tapos isang iglap magiging katapusan na ng buwan! *insert anxiety attack here*

wala eh. nabubuhay lang ako sa opisina para mag-Facebook, lazada, at magkape. kasi kung trabaho ang aatupagin ko, wala na mangyayari sa buhay ko.

i kid of course. all these ‘distractions’ keep me going while i work. they don’t ‘waste’ my time. the opposite is true… they make me connect to those who matter. i bond over coffee with my officemates, talk about their latest ideas and research over it. i buy online stuff for my son who’s been asking me for that glow in the dark flashlight for ages. and my facebook is my only means to connect with my faraway colleagues, learning social media content (because i’ve been transferred to a new desk).

all these distractions have kept me going, not realizing that it’s the start of the Philippines’ Christmas Season. ambilis lang talaga ng panahon. andami ko pang dapat matutunan.

akalain mo yun?

i don’t know how or why but the old binocular toys in the 90s, the “ViewMaster” just came to my mind, making me recall how much i enjoyed looking at the different views in it.

we never owned the toy. our neighbor had one and a couple of slides to go with it. what i remember distinctly is i was able to ‘see the world’ just by looking at those toy binoculars. i ‘went to Egypt’ to ‘see’ the pyramids. i got to see the magnificent cityscape of Hong Kong through them. it wasn’t like ordinary pictures. they were stereoscopic so there was a sense of depth to what i was looking at.

then i realize how far i’ve come. though i haven’t been to egypt, i have been to HongKong, not once,but twice already. i have been to malaysia, singapore, germany, italy, and india. i have been blessed to visit these countries, some from our pockets, some for free because of work.

i never wished for these. i never asked for them and yet here they are. perhaps as a child, my awe and wonder communicated a silent prayer in me that i be able to see these magnificent places some day. and now here we are.

the thought just overwhelms me today.

i had a date with my son last Sunday and (almost) no one knew

it was one of those spontaneous things i sometimes like to do, even if i am a ‘creature of habit’; i took my son on a date at the mall. how spontaneous was it? we were in our ‘pambahay’ clothes!

we recently got some guppies as pets at home. being absolute novices in this new hobby, with the limited research (read: YouTube binge watching) i’ve done, i thought i was ready to take care of fish. also, this comes from the encouragement of our security guard in the office who seems to just leave these guppies alone and yet they thrive! they even have lotsa babies now!

anyway, one by one, our little pets died until only 1 is left. i asked my son if he wanted to see the streetside stall where i bought the guppies and he said ‘yes.’ we walked to the talipapa and pointed him to where i bought our now-dead pets.

while walking in the hot sun, he blurted out, “i think i’m hungry,” and seeing that we were near the tricycle terminal and could use some time together, i told him we’re going to the mall.

in our shorts and worn-out shirts that could pass as rags, we took the trike to Market! Market! in BGC. he really wanted Jollibee but since it was full, we actually went inside the mall and ate at ChowKing instead. the entire time, i didn’t have my phone with me. i left it at home charging by the TV stand, thinking we would be gone for just a few minutes – not hours!

and you know what, it just felt good to be in the moment. it did cross my mind that, “uy, i should’ve had my phone with me to take a picture.” us, with just pambahay in a mall in BGC. or “this would get a lot of likes and laughs on Facebook!” but i just took it all in. it didn’t matter who liked it or laughs at it. what mattered was him and me together, having Chicken Lauriat and Wonton Noodles at Chowking at 10 in the morning.

i want trains

two metaphors

i actually don’t have the energy to google if my use of ‘metaphor’ is correct right now. let’s just assume that it is.

saw two videos today describing something important to me and i guess i just wanted to note them down so i’ll have a greater chance of remembering them.

first, a metaphor for (or rather against) abortion: it’s like baking a cake. if you were about to bake a cake, you mix the ingredients, put the batter in a pan, and then bake it in an oven. well, that’s what you get when you ‘do it’ and then it’s in a woman’s womb. it’s “baking”. if someone takes it out and throws the pan across the floor, you don’t say, “you ruined the batter!” no. you say, “you ruined my cake!”

i just thought it was brilliant.

next is something about raising your child. the video talks about how a parent should not ‘engineer’ their children to be who they want them to be. rather, they should be ‘shepherds’ because shepherds don’t force their sheep to become dogs, but what they do is to bring them to where the good pastures are, protect them from wolves, herd them where they should be. they don’t manipulate them to be something other than sheep.

dedicating my day

i’m not in a good place at the moment. there are a lot of things on my to-do list that just aren’t getting done… and there are things that i’m just so anxious about. prolly blog about it later but right now, i just thought i’d gather my thoughts and just drop them here.

as i said, everyday is a struggle. there’s just clutter in my head. i feel like i need to be everywhere at the same time just to do the things i’m supposed to do. i hardly remember anything because it’s all getting occupied by some other brain process.

then just this morning, sitting in front of my office PC, i realize something: i’ve been running around like a headless chicken. i have no eyes to see where i’m going. no direction. no goal. and perhaps, as a human, i don’t know for whom these things i have to do.

i have lost my center.

so, in a bid to fix my mental state, i’m doing my to-do list, putting it in writing, and thinking about dedicating my day to accomplishing as much as i can, dedicating all my work for something bigger than myself.

let’s do this. let’s make this day count.

i turned my brain off

temporarily, at least. and it’s not good for me. well, it is and it isn’t at the same time. let me explain.

since i got out of the hospital, i’ve been on a moderately healthy diet. i’ve added more greens, less rice, and almost had no snacks in between meals.

but after this ‘honeymoon’ phase, everything started to feel and taste like the same thing. food started to begin to taste like cardboard.

my mind was always preoccupied with something, analyzing, thinking, overthinking. is this food good for me? did i have enough vegetables today? what am i going to cook for tomorrow? have i had enough fiber? i haven’t finished my tasks at work, i’ll just stay late. but what about dinner then? delivery? which one delivers healthy food?

my brain was clear as mud. all these thoughts and afterthoughts just came and stayed and never left. so i decided to stop thinking for a while.

yes, it was easier. i just had to ‘feel’ and ‘be in the moment’ to have a fuller experience of living my life. but that also has consequences for my health. i began to see that i was living my pre-hospitalization life again. and it didn’t feel great.

so now i’m at a crossroads trying to balance things. how can i enjoy eating, food, living, and not feel like i’m depriving myself of the happiness i so terribly crave for?

10 years baby!

recently renewed my passport because we had our Osaka trip last february. tapos this year naman, mag-e-expire na din driver’s license ko so kailangan na mag-renew. pwede naman mag-early renewal as early as 60 days prior to expiration (a.k.a. your birthday) so i tried to check ano yung pinaka-convenient.

with the new LTO LTMS portal, parang pwede na halos lahat gawin online: renewal ng registration or license. you’re just required to upload a photo of the medical certificate and provide the medcert number. naghanap lang ako sa Google Maps ng pinaka-malapit sa bahay at work and i found na meron sa UP Town Center na LTO driver’s license renewal center katabing-katabi mismo ng LTO certified medical clinic! (how convenient! 😉 )

what is a restful weekend?

i don’t know what it is about today but i woke up thinking it was already friday. i woke up expecting this day to be the last day of the week, getting my brain ready for a weekend break. then i woke up a second time to the reality that it’s only a tuesday.

was i just pining for a weekend that bad? it would seem so.

kulang yata ako ng pahinga. hindi lang pahinga ng katawan kundi pahinga din ng isipan.

what would a restful weekend look like/feel like to you?

nasobrahan na din yata ako ng panonood ng mga vacation vlogs. haha!