tuloy ba?

that is the question. tuloy nga ba ako sa paglipad o hindi? nakakainis. i can’t get any peace of mind, i can’t get any ‘idle’ time since i find myself dreaming of disaster and disappointment each time na ‘idle’ ang utak ko.

sleeplesslagi ko na nga’ng sinasabi na ‘photo-finish’ itong pag-alis ko. it’ll be my first time to fly. it’ll be my first time out of the country. alone. no tourist guides, no relatives, no officemate, no elder person to ask, no person that i already trust is going with me. tapos yung nightmare of not knowing what to do. i’m positively clueless what to do inside an airport. what if i get lost? what if i miss my plane? what if i lose my passport? what if my baggage gets lost? where do i get what? how much is “mahal” and “mura” in an airport? is everything really overpriced? (i’m assuming it is) haaaay… it’s enough to keep me unfocused on my exam tomorrow.

and then naiisip ko nga na ‘tuloy nga ba? kung hindi, edi nagsayang lang ako ng ilang araw at oras ng pag-aalala sa wala? ikaka-bagsak ko pa ito ng stat ko.’

SYET e

burgoo

burgoo gateway? yummmmmmmmm… 😀

i can’t believe that i forgot to blog about me and my bestfriend’s date at burgoo in gateway! ahahay!!! maybe i’m really stressed. like today. i have no idea what to do. everything’s not falling into place… garrr… i don’t know how much more i can take. pagod na talaga ako. susuko nako…

badtrip today; doubts last night

not the best day of my life.
nag txt ang ate ko at di pa daw tapos ang passport ko. kelan ko naman kaya yun makukuha diba? tapos eh kukuha pa ako ng ticket, and then yung passport. and it’s just 4 days before the conference! anak ng teteng. ang sarap magmura talaga…

bukod pa dun, meron pang nangyari kagabi. na hindi ko inasahan at hindi ko inisip na mangyayari. and it has made me re-think about everything between me and A. nililimusan lang ba niya ako ng hinihingi ko?

from how she acted last night, biglang naiyak yung loob ko. nagulat ako sa ginawa niya. the look of eagerness, the seemingly genuine interest. pero it was too late. hindi siya ganun. she seemed too eager to please. it appeared to me na ginagawa lang niya yun kasi gusto ko at hindi dahil ginusto niya talagang gawin. napipilitan. nagpapanggap. which made me question all the years that i’ve spent with her…

mas gugustuhin ko pang magmamahal ng di sinusuklian yung binibigay ko kesa nagpapanggap na minamahal niya ako. mabuti pa yung una, alam kong totoo yung nararamdaman niya. hindi peke. hindi nagpapanggap. totoo kahit hindi niya ako mahal. mas gugustuhin ko yun kasi ayaw ko ng nililimusan.

2nd chance? baka big mistake…

kakakuha ko lng ng email sa kontak ni mama melle sa C-MMACS re: workshop-slash-meeting. at nagulo na naman ang buhay ko…

1.) I could be taking my finals sa Stat on the 2nd of April instead of the 27th of March. Mas maraming panahon para mag-aral (kunwari. but at least di ako magka-cram talaga…)

Actually, di ko pa nga nakakausap si sir eh. wala akong magiging pahinga. tutugtog ako ng Wednesday, Friday, at Sunday sa simbahan. tapos may class pa din ng lunes. after that, Thursday na ang exam ko.

2.) Di na maaabala oras ko sa trabaho.

Di na ako maghahabol ng oras, pwede ko gawin ibang bagay.

3.) Di na ako gagastos

4.) Makakapunta pa sana ako sa Baguio with A and the family.

5.) Peace of mind. Di ako mag-iisip kung ano-ano ang posibleng mangyari at makita ko doon. At kung matutuloy nga ba ako o hindi!

sakit ng uloang problema kasi, nakapag-reply na ako ng “yes, i am still interested to join the workshop” kaya mukhang aasahan nila ang pagpunta ko at effort na maayos lahat ng dapat ayusin. naisip ko kasi na ito yung 2nd chance na binibigay nila saken na despite my late passport at possible late attendance (sa 31 March po ang meeting-slash-workshop), eh tuloy ang imbitasyon nila sa akin.

and ayun nga, after ng reply ko, ngayon ko naisip na baka hindi ito 2nd chance but a time to think. mali nga ba ang basa ko sa “sign” na ‘to? ahahay buhay! toss coin na lang yata dapat ginawa ko. wala pang sisihan…

fine, i’m joining the Jianina bandwagon

oo na, bopols na siya sumagot sa Q&A. isa na siyang melanie marquez in-the-making. baluktot ang english. napagtawanan ko na siya at pinakinggan na ng paulit-ulit ang remix ni dense modesto sa multiply. pero after everything, naaawa na ako sa bata.

wala akong alam sa pinanggalingan niya. kung sadyang trying hard siya mag-ingles, mabait ba siya in person, mabuti ba siyang anak o pakawala. per sa dinami-dami ng mga nambabato sa kaniya, naawa na din ako. ayaw ko na din sana sakyan ang pambabalahura sa kaniya dahil (1)blogs everywhere are writing about her big Q&A flop, (2)ayaw ko maki-ride lang sa uso at hottest topic palagi. pero ang nag-move lang sa akin eh yung sobrang pagmamaliit sa batang hindi nila kilala.

i’m sure madaming UE students ang ikakahiya siya. madaming taong gustong makapasok sa UE ang magdadalawang isip dahil nakita na nila ang ‘produkto’ ng isang institusyon gaya ng UE. madaming tao ang mataas ang tingin sa sarili na magsasabing hindi siya karapat-dapat sa nakuha niyang korona, mamaliitin at lalaitin. pero bakit? dahil walang laman ang utak niya?

hindi ko pinilit intindihin ang sitwasyon niya. dahil, sa palagay ko, i’ve had one or more moments like that. ang kaibahan lang kasi i wasn’t on national TV. in many oral examinations at University and even in high school, i kept on rambling pointless answers to instructors’ questions. in written exams, i tried ‘winging’ some of the answers. i’ve skipped essay questions that i don’t understand, naglalagay na lang ako minsan ng note na “sir/maam, sorry, nakalimutan ko na po ‘to <smiley>”

kung may kakulangan si Jianina, it was because she wasn’t paying attention to the question. or hindi niya naintindihan. walang masama kung magpakumbaba at ipa-tagalog ang tanong para maintindihan at sumagot din sa tagalog para di magmukhang trying hard mag-ingles. yun lang ang ikina-iinis ko sa kaniya ngayon. huwag siya magpumilit. pasalamat siya sa nangyari sa kaniya… at higit sa lahat, alamin ang kahulugan ng “grace under pressure”

crush chronicle

gigglefunny how the universe conspires and leads you to a 50-second moment that would just make your day… 🙂

kasi ganito yun. came to work early yesterday. 7:30 pa lang nandito na ako. the night before, mga past-10 na ako natulog. i was feeling fine, really. until the afternoon came.
doing excel sheets as wide as a Humvee and as long as my Christmas wishlist and analyzing can give you instant headaches when you view the darn thing in full screen. eh pano pa kung maghapon mong pino-problema pano aayusin yun diba? hay…

by 5pm, mama liz and i both had terrible headaches. we thought we could walk it out sa campus. tigil muna ang kaka-titig sa monitor. we walked, viewed some installation art sa may Dela Costa (next time magdadala na ako ng digicam ng opis! :D) and were entertained for a while. pero di pa din kinaya ng paglilibot ang sakit ng ulo namen. mama decided to go home for a kip, i decided to stay til 7:30 na din even if i had this headache.

walking towards katipunan, i had a choice between going to the ‘annex terminal’ riding the jeeps at the overpass na mas malapit pero matagal mapuno or i could go to the real terminal under the flyover near aurora boulevard and probably get home faster. i opted to go for the long wait kahit na gutom nako at masakit ang ulo. bukod pa sa mahabang hintayan ng mga pasahero ni manong driver, nagpa-gas pa siya sa petron. 5 mins din ata kami dun dahil marami nakapila. pagdating sa may bababaan ko, sa may gate lang ng campus at dun sa purple vegetarian place, dire-diretso si manong hanggang sa taas sa may romulo hall. too tired and hungry to complain or ma-bad trip tungkol dun, bumaba na lang ako dragging my feet with me.

then may nakasalubong ako’ng girl in a black tanktop and jeans with a CD walkman staring at me. di ko siya kilala pero she was looking at me curiously. she suddenly blurted out, “randell!?!?” that jolted me. as for me, brain cells just started popping up information and fitted stuff from memory into this 5-foot mestiza with short black hair, a cute rasp in her voice (much like marge simpson’s but a lot more feminine) and sungki. it was erika!!!

erika gomez was was my pre-school crush. oo, prep pa lang malandi na ako. 😛 Kinder II – Blue kami nun sa SSA. basta, cute siya with a bob, maputi, maganda, and yun nga, cute yung boses. 🙂 naaliw lang ako dahil siya pa ang unang naka-recognize sa akin. she told me that she was going to her barkada’s house in the area and she lived in cainta now. i didn’t get to chat with her long, just “hi”, “kumusta ka na”, “san ka pupunta” and others i can’t seem to recall anymore. but i had this smile as i went off and she went inside her friends’ house. that was a person i last saw, what, 14 or 16 years ago and last talked to 18 years ago!

really funny. kahit ngayon naiisip ko, natatawa pa din ako. parang kelan lang eh nakita ko si Puch dito sa office, totally unexpected!

when stuff like that happens, it makes you feel young and old. i finally get why people such as my dad when going to school reunions have this dorky smile and spring in his step like he was 20 again. and yet, you see how the familiar faces change, how they mature, and realize this isn’t the 90s anymore.