that’s my mantra to myself right now.
when you get older, you get more responsibilities. and sometimes, everything’s all quiet and calm. and then there are days or weeks like you should just be running 300 kph from Manila to Timbuktu. on water.
i just might not be used to such pressure. or i just can’t organize my thoughts accurately. i just feel like i’ve so much to do but i don’t know where to begin and i forget the things that i should be doing! (it’s a problem-producing problem. nanganganak siya.)
so i repeat them once again: calm down. it’s alright. breathe.
we’ve recently started a novena at work and aside from institutional requests, there is also a time for personal intercessions. i’m for the ‘generic requests’ often times because, well, i’ve never really thought about it. i would ask for good health, more money, and world peace. 😛
in the past few weeks, i’ve been dealing with personal demons and have come to the conclusion that i’ve been addicted to pleasure for the longest time. that’s why i eat a lot. that’s why i’m often buying stuff. that’s why i like fast internet *wink, wink*. these temporary pleasures are the things i use to drown out my unhappiness. in food, we call this ’emotional eating’ — we eat our sorrows away. and it’s such a vicious cycle that i do feel that it is an addiction and at a certain level, a demonic possession.
Magpatuloy magbasa grant me temperance
i’m not sure how long i’ve been wearing my old glasses now (see postscript). most of the time, it doesn’t bother me as much. i can do most of the day-to-day activities without hassle. even driving! but last week, it got a little evident that i need to get a new pair.
i attended a special lecture by Mr. Ed Fukada, formerly of JTWC (that’s the Joint Typhoon Warning Center in Hawai’i) on how they forecast typhoons. Even if I sat at the front row, I still had to tilt my glasses to read what’s on the projector. I have a newer pair (2 actually) but one has scratched up lenses and the other one’s frame is broken. I tried to DIY repairs but none lasted a day so I got stuck with my old pair.
funny enough, my father, wise man that he is, also lectured my eldest sister on the same matter a few weeks back with my sister’s eyeglasses’ frame taped up where the end piece and screw meet. he quipped, “may pambili ng aircon pero yung ginagamit pang-araw-araw, wala.” my sister defended herself saying, “i *am* already getting a new one! i just haven’t got time to go to the optometrist.”
now that i think about it, it’s just (again) all about priorities. some things take precedence over others. there are other more important things i guess than just a pair of glasses. besides, i was only reminded of them when i attended this lecture — not everyday. what’s a little discomfort when you can make others feel much much better? so yeah, i won’t be changing glasses anytime soon… unless my son turns them into another flying saucer or something. 😛
i checked my instagram and at the earliest, it was November 2017.
i now get bored easily. actually more than getting bored, i’m losing the ability to concentrate. there’s always that little thing on the side or in my periphery that begs that i attend to it rather than stay on course. why is that?
i did attribute it to being smart once. being distracted means you have so many interests that you want to grasp everything or take a nibble at everything that you hear or see. you acquire a little knowledge each time but don’t master anything. and it was quite fun at the time when i was still energetic and carefree. now, things are becoming different.
i find myself wanting to lay back and still remain carefree… only thing is i feel incompetent and can’t rely on my own knowledge of the things that i thought i knew! i’m no expert in the things that i once pursued, i was just a passer-by after all.
so i tried to remedy it by reading more. which brings me back to my first paragraph: i get easily distracted. and when i get distracted, i often forget about the thing that i was wanting to do/read.
i started reading Grit by Angela Duckworth, a recommendation from my bestfriend since High School. i thought i could read a whole lot of it but ended up skipping pages and just watching the TED video. and i had to laugh as she discussed how grit was a defining component of success… and here i was, foiled at reading a book and ending up gritless watching the 6-minute video. haha!
and i had to sigh a little. i am where i am right now because i have no grit. i lack motivation. fortunately, in her video too, she says that it isn’t just talent that gets us where we are. that means where i am right now is not perpetual or a result of my limited talents. it just means i need to acquire *some* grit to move up a level from *NO grit* at all.
and so i write it down here in this blog that this is step one. i may fail but i will always try again. and by that, i have acquired some grit.
it’s been going on for some time now in my hometown: “brownouts” as we call them here in the Philippines. within the past week, there have been 2 almost whole-day incidents of having no electricity. in the day, perhaps, it’s more tolerable — you can go to the mall or go outside in the yard to feel the breeze blow in. electronic gadgets actually get to rest because of no wifi and no watching TV. but at night, when everyone needs to stay indoors and try to sleep, that’s when it gets really annoying.
i’ve actually planned for this and tried to build the solar kit by buying from lazada. it was for the rainy season when i know (so well) that brownouts happen. and during storms. unfortunately, the solar panel didn’t arrive — the supplier could not apparently fulfill my order because of they didn’t have stocks of the panel. i now had a solar charge controller without a solar panel. (ummm… still there? hehe. i know it’s kinda nerdy but it’s just really frustrating). it’s like having a car without wheels and fuel in the tank.
i asked my sister what they did during the night and she said she checked in at a motel with her family. they had a DFA passport renewal appointment so she thought they really needed sleep because they had to be there early. i didn’t get to ask how my parents did but knowing my dad, i’m sure they were fine. but wouldn’t it be a convenience to not be inconvenienced by power outages?
a facebook friend had this post about living off-grid was actually living “off-greed” i.e. not power-hungry and not wasteful of resources. i liked that idea a lot.
so now, i’m trying to scramble to put the solar kit together. now currently debating a cheap but short-term solution that’s immediately available vs. expensive but long-term solution that needs to take a while to save for. 😦
“To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness.”
― Robert Brault
you can be religious about this quote or just be romantic about it. it still works.
sign of aging siguro ito.
i’ve always been amused by my uncle who lives with us in pampanga and his record-keeping and labeling OC-ness. he would write his favorite TV shows schedule on a piece of ruled yellowpad and attached that to a clipboard and hung it near the TV set. all the small items he’d find during an engine build, he’d either stick to a flattened old cardboard box or in small baby food containers neatly labeled. it was approaching Batman’s OC-ness level!
now that i’m growing older myself, i find it more and more difficult to track things with just my mind. well, i could still track them but there’s an anxiety that builds which makes me worry that i forget something. or i might miss on an opportunity where i had a thought or idea about a thing that i wanted to share.
or simply because i want so many things in my life, i might prioritize one thing over another because i just saw the other thing first thinking, “oooh, i want that,” without realizing there’s something more important that i could just buy at the same price.
so now, i made a list of the things i want. i actually have an online spreadsheet of my previous list but i keep forgetting to look at it so i decided i’d write them down so i could see them easily and maybe reorganize, reprioritize them. i think this will be in keeping with my ‘planning’ phase for the new year.
and what a relief. my mind seems to have been freed from cloudiness. i thought, “this must’ve been how the Pensieve would work in Harry Potter!” LOL!
it’s therapeutic, i think, that besides writing down thoughts in a blog, or speaking in a vlog, writing things down physically is really something else.
do you feel the same way? lemme know in the comments!