bawling in the office

yep, i’m at it again. sniffling because of facebook.

just saw pictures from Courageous Caitie‘s facebook page and here i go again.

ever since i became a parent to a preemie, i think and feel like i can relate to every parent whose kid is inside a hospital. there’s this invisible string that automatically attaches your heart to theirs which has the same fears and hopes. your prayers are their prayers.

“Lord, ako na lang. Mas kaya ko. Huwag na lang yung anak ko.”

it’s a roller coaster ride but with no assurance of a safe stop at the end. you could end up just being thrown off your seat, flying into certain pain and agony.

and if you survive, you never get to get off of the roller coaster. every day becomes another ride — you don’t know at the end of the day if everything will turn out to be OK.

but as for Caitie, she was called home already. no more roller coaster. she’s safe and sound, home-bound. but for Caitie’s parents, the roller coaster hit a wall. a big solid concrete wall. it’s the same wall that i’m afraid of.

Please pray for Caitie. and support her parents. we may not know each other but i am sincerely praying for them.

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too real too soon

i can’t believe how fast the Universe is reacting to what i’ve just been experiencing.

This is just me. I’m just about to give up, really. That cry of frustration you hear from that kid? i think i just made that sound this morning after talking to my boss. the video might be funny to some but to someone seeing how everything seems to fall apart everywhere, it’s like an affirmation of the eventual failure.

when everything bad happens, everything just crumbles. and your eyes begin to swell up with water, your nose feels like it’s getting bigger and your arms just weigh like 2 sacks of rice and you just want your tears to wash all the problems away.

but they won’t. they’ll still be there tomorrow. and probably you’ll just stop caring.

i think i’m in that phase. whatever happens, it’ll just have to happen. just so you can get over it and move on.

thoughts in the shower: where’s God?

eversince i’ve learned how to answer basic objections by other Christians regarding Catholicism, i found myself more and more convinced Catholics are right. and then when i discovered Fr. Robert Barron, i’ve been even more convinced Catholics have such great and deep philosophical roots that it must be true. intellectually, then, i’m pretty satisfied of how Catholicism answers them.

but whenever i see posts on facebook by religious friends, how they praise and glorify God, how they can talk spontaneously about their faith and share how God touched them as if they encountered Him directly. i often dismissed them as ‘too showy’ or ‘shallow’ because i had a deeper understanding and knowledge of who God really is in Christianity because where else can you encounter Jesus more personally than in the Eucharist!? (they were mostly Protestants)

but even if I KNOW who and what I receive, i don’t have that profound experience which i sense from their facebook posts. I know God is everywhere, but I don’t feel Him everywhere. I could read the Bible over and over again from mass readings, draw explanations and inspiration, i can’t seem to feel anything.

am i too preoccupied with other things? is it just about priorities? or am i not actually, truly convinced of God? or am i just thinking that i’m a pretentious Catholic because of the deep dark sins i have?

i used to listen to the radio when i took a bath before going to work. then we finally had internet and now i “watch” youtube while i take a bath. i leave the TV with youtube videos playing and i listen inside the bathroom. i was listening to this and had similar questions. i just hope i found my answers like Leighton did.