wala naman akong ginusto kungdi ang mamuhay ng tahimik, matiwasay, at walang kaaway.
“chillax” lang. “steady” lang. isang normal na buhay.
mali pala ako. dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang normal.
and in the few days of reflecting on it, i realized ‘normal’ is what you make it.
sa akin, normal ang manood ng sine mag-isa. normal ang maglakad-lakad na walang patutunguhan. normal ang tumingin sa malayo at mag-isip sa katahimikan. normal ang kumain ng isang pint ng ice cream o isang big mac meal kapag nalulungkot. normal ang matulog ng alas-9 ng gabi at magising ng alas-5 ng umaga. normal ang gumamit ng pinaggamitang mantika para sa sinangag. normal ang magkasakit ng 1 beses sa isang taon, at dahil bata-bata pa, di kailangang dalhin sa ospital. (actually, i’ve only been admitted once when i was an infant. i’ve never had to return to the hospital since.) normal ang mag-“hang out” sa bahay lang. normal madumihan ang mga kamay sa kung ano-anong ginagawa — gardening, kutingting ng electronics or makisawsaw sa pagme-mekaniko ng tatay at tito ko. normal ang amoy ng gasolina — dahil nasasabi ko lagi, “ang bango,” pag nagpapa-gas ako ng kotse ngayon.
then i see my life now and these are no longer the normal things in my life. in my memory, they are, but my life is different now. i have a new normal. and i have to settle that with my self and make my life ‘normal’ again.
you are three
and so are we
you, mommy, and me
you will forget the stuff we do today
but i hope you are learning
inside that little brain
that happiness is not found in toys
or presents or cakes
but in life’s simple joys
a walk in the afternoon,
a dash to the market
a bike around the corner
a silly face
a tight hug
a big kiss
isa na akong ‘ulila sa ina’.
but last October 11, my mom quietly died in her sleep in the early morning. i was having a meal in the kitchen when dad called. they actually called A since i wasn’t answering my phone (it was on silent) and A asked me to go up to the bedroom.
the moment i heard my dad’s voice on the phone, i somehow had an idea what the news was. the phone conversation was serious and ‘all business’ — where the wake will be, what she’ll be wearing, etc. i didn’t cry. i was rationalizing to myself that it is how things are in the universe. and that it was a peaceful ‘going away’ and there was no looming shadow of death that weighed down the family. it was sudden and yet the consolation was that she got what she was praying for — no hospitals, no IV’s, no doctors, no pain — just a long, long sleep.
on monday after the funeral, i went back to work. i thought that because i was simply an employee and not a supervisor or boss of any sort, it was expected that you come back to work right after the funeral. i was surprised that office-mates were startled to see me back to work agad-agad. i think people expected that it’s after the pasiyam when you go back to work. but i didn’t really know so i went back to work anyway.
two weeks have now passed and i still feel some ache in me. at times, i feel like i’ve been gutted out. but work and life keeps me busy. and i’m sure that she would not want me to be miserable missing her but instead she would want me to remember her fondly that it would bring a smile to my face.
i said it once in this blog and i’ll say it again: I love you Ma!
If you could, please say a Hail Mary for her. Thank you!
wala lang. random na nagtanong yung isang kilala kong amateur radio operator na kung sino-sino yung mga ham na pet lover din. in our place in manila, there’s no room for a pet. pinaka-pet na namin yung stray cats sa street namin. i always have it at the back of my head na maybe we could get a dog. kaso there’s really no place (and time) for one. maaawa lang ako kasi malamang sa malamang eh itatali lang siya or nakakulong maghapon.
anyway, OM Brian asked us to post photos of pets. and i remembered that i had some pics of good ol’ Chuckie. bakit Chuckie? kasi kulay brown… parang Chuckie ng Nestle. 😛 tapos na-miss ko lang siya bigla.
and while looking at some of the photos, i saw myself in the reflection in his eyes. i thought about what he was thinking that time i took his photos. *sniffle, sniffle*
why are there so many onion ninjas in the office???
i’ve become the “lazada guy” in the office.
it’s official coz the delivery guys know me already! LOL
aside from the usual delivery stuff (i.e. diapers), there are other stuff i seem to find online and want to try out. di naman lahat. yung iba talaga kailangan naman. pero di ko mapigilan minsan yung ibang bagay… coz they’re so freakin’ cheap!
kaya minsan masyadong nakaka-engganyo ang online shopping. as much as possible, i try to stick to stuff that are useful and things that i actually need.
for example: first aid kit.
who really bothers with one? then i remembered we have a little pumpkin running around all the time. so i bought one. would it be cheaper to just buy individual items? not really… and then you have to keep going to the store to buy more stuff when you forget one item. at least with one kit, you have almost everything already in one neat package.
then there’s this latest one: a wifi repeater.
we have the wifi router on the first floor. di na umaabot yung signal sa kwarto sa taas. naghanap ako sa CDR King pero i found one cheaper on lazada. so far, since this morning, it was working! sana lang magtagal.
these small stuff get delivered pa-isa-isa at times at work. and sometimes, some people ask me to order something for them. my sister had me buy her external HDD on lazada. an officemate naman nakisabay ng delivery ng paper shredder and earphones. syempre, they’re delivered under my name but they aren’t actually mine!
iniisip ko tuloy na akala nila mayaman na ako. far from it! juice colored… kung yung sweldo dito… anyway, ayun. i have this reputation now sa office and sa lazada delivery guys. and i kinda feel uncomfortable. ayoko ng ganitong recognition… i mean i prefer to just be a wallflower. ewan ko. i think i’m happier to be anonymous.
why can’t i do it again?
siguro dahil dati, single ako, kaya ok lang. siguro dahil dati bata pa ako. walang mawawala sa akin kung sabihin ko mga problema ko sa ibang tao.
and probably that’s what kept me sane! hahaha!
pero iba na ngayon. nag-mature na nga ba ako talaga kaya naiisip ko yung “self-preservation”? hindi na lang kasi ako ang iniisip ko. hay….
siguro mabuti pang mag-diary na lang ulit. uso pa ba yun ngayon?
it’s not often that my side of the family get to visit us here in manila. so after we had our minor house renovation done and had it blessed last saturday, we had the opportunity to tour my two sisters’ families at Venice Grand Canal Mall.
i’ve been to Venice a couple of years back, thanks to a sponsored training-workshop, and i jokingly told them that “this is obviously an immitation of Venice. it’s too clean!”
but it does have that feel… my sisters’ friends ask on facebook, after posting the pictures, “are you in Macau?” mistaking it for The Venetian Macao hotel. 😀
i’m actually more happy for my parents, who are in their 70s now. they would find it hard to travel and see other parts of the world as i already have. well, it’s just 5 other countries (India, Singapore, Malaysia, Hong Kong, and Italy) but it’s still more than their trip score: 0. even if it’s not the real deal, i’m pretty sure they were entertained how different it is to the common buildings and architecture they’ve seen around pampanga and manila.
after an hour of just lounging around, we head back to pampanga. (i have violin practice the next day)
it was fun having a family day that didn’t involve just the three of us. and as i get older, i wish more and more that these bonding moments we have as siblings will become more frequent. 🙂