i think this is my metaphor for what i am at the moment. nothing is really “mine” mine. i mean, look at it! how does a grown man nearing his 40s have a hello kitty tumbler as a pencil holder and a minecraft stone ore on his desk?!
see that hand holding the mouse? that’s not me, obviously. unless you think i have freakishly small hands!
with me, right now, everything is shared. i share the desk and PC with my son as of the moment. i actually got the PC to be productive at home and some online learning for my son. little did i know it’ll be hijacked into a Roblox gaming machine. LOL Magpatuloy magbasa my desk isn’t mine anymore
i dreamt of you last night. or was it the night before? i can’t remember anymore. we were just having a chat. a casual conversation. i told you we hadn’t talked like this in a long time.
and then everything just disappeared. i was awake. and i remembered you are not here anymore. you are in your forever happy place, with an angel with you.
maybe it’s nothing, maybe it’s something. i don’t know. and as i write this blog today, it only creeps in more and tells me one truth: i miss you.
sabi ng post na nakita ko, yung mga Noisy sa klase noong High School eh sila ngayon ang sikat dahil sa pagba-vlog. sila ngayon yung malakas kumita dahil sa ad revenues ng YouTube. kaso, di ako ganoon. sinubukan ko for a while and i got a little burned out/stressed out… or kung ano-ano kasi pinag-gagawa ko kaya parang trabaho talaga siya. walang motivation.
but i guess mali lang talaga motivation ko: pera. i mean, from my POV, it’s “easy money”. shoot, edit, upload… that’s it. i can do it in my free time… or whenever i can lang. no pressure. but i was pushing myself a bit kasi maliit lang sweldo ng mga
then a couple of weeks back, i felt so burdened. it wasn’t just this ‘extra stuff’ weighing me down… i felt like life was just this big thing i didn’t want to deal with everyday. i wasn’t in a ‘happy place’ let’s just say that.
then i started to actively blog again, keeping the edit button off and the censorship scissors at bay. thoughts free flowing from my mind to my fingertips to the keyboard to the computer screen… and after a few days, i feel much better. not completely OK yet but i feel better because i am “me” again. i found myself again. i may not be able to vlog but i can still blog pala.
flashback friday na ba?
naalala ko lang dahil nagpost ang mga blockmates ko in college ng lumang photos — creative shots nung nagpa-grad pic kami. and then siyempre it triggered all this nostalgia of how simple and fun those days were. saka ko na-miss yung mga dating ginagawa ko as a young, dumb, and broke college student. (uy, puma-pop culture reference! LOL)
- bulaluhan/mamihan sa likod ng Narra. in those days, 4 lanes lang ang katipunan sa likod ng UP campus. ang mga nasa gilid ng kalsada, along UP’s fence were shops. may sari-sari store, carinderya, xerox, ID photo. at hindi ko makalimutan talaga ay yung almusal kong mami/silog/bulalo sa likod ng nara. nasa kanto yun mismo eh. light broth but full of flavor. and meat was so tender. naglaway tuloy ako. haha!
- movies sa film center. premiere night man yan o film festival, nakakanood ako ng quality movies (most of the time) for P40-P60! feeling ko noon napaka-high class ko na sa films dahil napanood ko ang Insiang, Son de Mar, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Farewell my Concubine. hindi man ako naging movie critic, na-appreciate ko naman at na-open din yung isip ko sa mga iba’t ibang konsepto na nakapaloob sa mga pelikula. so not the cinematography maybe but as a casual film-goer, i learned from their stories.
- performances at college of music. dahil weird akong tao na nahilig sa classical music, minsan nagpupunta ako at nakikinig ng performances sa college of music. minsan libre, madalas may bayad. one performance i will not forget was the Brandenburg Concerto performed on a newly donated harpsichord to the College of Music. authentic baroque music! WOW!
- theater sa Wilfrido Ma. Guerrero. lahat ata ng plays dito ko napanood. at dito ang baptism ng mga di pa nakakakita ng ari ng ibang tao na hindi nila kamag-anak. hahahaha! usually requirement ito ng mga GE (as in GenEd) profs sa freshies/sophies dahil magpeperform ang mga CAL/CSSP upper class students. in fairness naman, may mga celebs na nanonood minsan. dito ko din na-sight (dahil di kami nag-“meet” as in “hi, hello, how are you?”) in person sina Boy Abunda and then-President GMA.
anyway, ito lang naman yung 4 na bagay na nami-miss kong gawin ngayon. dati kasi ang daming oras na pwedeng gawin ito. kahit limited budget, kayang pagkasyahin sa baon kong P1000 every week (all-in na yon. pagkain, misc. expenses, at pamasahe papunta at pabalik ng pampanga).
wala naman akong ginusto kungdi ang mamuhay ng tahimik, matiwasay, at walang kaaway.
“chillax” lang. “steady” lang. isang normal na buhay.
mali pala ako. dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang normal.
and in the few days of reflecting on it, i realized ‘normal’ is what you make it.
sa akin, normal ang manood ng sine mag-isa. normal ang maglakad-lakad na walang patutunguhan. normal ang tumingin sa malayo at mag-isip sa katahimikan. normal ang kumain ng isang pint ng ice cream o isang big mac meal kapag nalulungkot. normal ang matulog ng alas-9 ng gabi at magising ng alas-5 ng umaga. normal ang gumamit ng pinaggamitang mantika para sa sinangag. normal ang magkasakit ng 1 beses sa isang taon, at dahil bata-bata pa, di kailangang dalhin sa ospital. (actually, i’ve only been admitted once when i was an infant. i’ve never had to return to the hospital since.) normal ang mag-“hang out” sa bahay lang. normal madumihan ang mga kamay sa kung ano-anong ginagawa — gardening, kutingting ng electronics or makisawsaw sa pagme-mekaniko ng tatay at tito ko. normal ang amoy ng gasolina — dahil nasasabi ko lagi, “ang bango,” pag nagpapa-gas ako ng kotse ngayon.
then i see my life now and these are no longer the normal things in my life. in my memory, they are, but my life is different now. i have a new normal. and i have to settle that with my self and make my life ‘normal’ again.
you are three
and so are we
you, mommy, and me
you will forget the stuff we do today
but i hope you are learning
inside that little brain
that happiness is not found in toys
or presents or cakes
but in life’s simple joys
a walk in the afternoon,
a dash to the market
a bike around the corner
a silly face
a tight hug
a big kiss
isa na akong ‘ulila sa ina’.
but last October 11, my mom quietly died in her sleep in the early morning. i was having a meal in the kitchen when dad called. they actually called A since i wasn’t answering my phone (it was on silent) and A asked me to go up to the bedroom.
the moment i heard my dad’s voice on the phone, i somehow had an idea what the news was. the phone conversation was serious and ‘all business’ — where the wake will be, what she’ll be wearing, etc. i didn’t cry. i was rationalizing to myself that it is how things are in the universe. and that it was a peaceful ‘going away’ and there was no looming shadow of death that weighed down the family. it was sudden and yet the consolation was that she got what she was praying for — no hospitals, no IV’s, no doctors, no pain — just a long, long sleep.
on monday after the funeral, i went back to work. i thought that because i was simply an employee and not a supervisor or boss of any sort, it was expected that you come back to work right after the funeral. i was surprised that office-mates were startled to see me back to work agad-agad. i think people expected that it’s after the pasiyam when you go back to work. but i didn’t really know so i went back to work anyway.
two weeks have now passed and i still feel some ache in me. at times, i feel like i’ve been gutted out. but work and life keeps me busy. and i’m sure that she would not want me to be miserable missing her but instead she would want me to remember her fondly that it would bring a smile to my face.
i said it once in this blog and i’ll say it again: I love you Ma!
If you could, please say a Hail Mary for her. Thank you!
wala lang. random na nagtanong yung isang kilala kong amateur radio operator na kung sino-sino yung mga ham na pet lover din. in our place in manila, there’s no room for a pet. pinaka-pet na namin yung stray cats sa street namin. i always have it at the back of my head na maybe we could get a dog. kaso there’s really no place (and time) for one. maaawa lang ako kasi malamang sa malamang eh itatali lang siya or nakakulong maghapon.
anyway, OM Brian asked us to post photos of pets. and i remembered that i had some pics of good ol’ Chuckie. bakit Chuckie? kasi kulay brown… parang Chuckie ng Nestle. 😛 tapos na-miss ko lang siya bigla.
and while looking at some of the photos, i saw myself in the reflection in his eyes. i thought about what he was thinking that time i took his photos. *sniffle, sniffle*
why are there so many onion ninjas in the office???
i’ve become the “lazada guy” in the office.
it’s official coz the delivery guys know me already! LOL
aside from the usual delivery stuff (i.e. diapers), there are other stuff i seem to find online and want to try out. di naman lahat. yung iba talaga kailangan naman. pero di ko mapigilan minsan yung ibang bagay… coz they’re so freakin’ cheap!
kaya minsan masyadong nakaka-engganyo ang online shopping. as much as possible, i try to stick to stuff that are useful and things that i actually need.
for example: first aid kit.
who really bothers with one? then i remembered we have a little pumpkin running around all the time. so i bought one. would it be cheaper to just buy individual items? not really… and then you have to keep going to the store to buy more stuff when you forget one item. at least with one kit, you have almost everything already in one neat package.
then there’s this latest one: a wifi repeater.
we have the wifi router on the first floor. di na umaabot yung signal sa kwarto sa taas. naghanap ako sa CDR King pero i found one cheaper on lazada. so far, since this morning, it was working! sana lang magtagal.
these small stuff get delivered pa-isa-isa at times at work. and sometimes, some people ask me to order something for them. my sister had me buy her external HDD on lazada. an officemate naman nakisabay ng delivery ng paper shredder and earphones. syempre, they’re delivered under my name but they aren’t actually mine!
iniisip ko tuloy na akala nila mayaman na ako. far from it! juice colored… kung yung sweldo dito… anyway, ayun. i have this reputation now sa office and sa lazada delivery guys. and i kinda feel uncomfortable. ayoko ng ganitong recognition… i mean i prefer to just be a wallflower. ewan ko. i think i’m happier to be anonymous.
why can’t i do it again?
siguro dahil dati, single ako, kaya ok lang. siguro dahil dati bata pa ako. walang mawawala sa akin kung sabihin ko mga problema ko sa ibang tao.
and probably that’s what kept me sane! hahaha!
pero iba na ngayon. nag-mature na nga ba ako talaga kaya naiisip ko yung “self-preservation”? hindi na lang kasi ako ang iniisip ko. hay….
siguro mabuti pang mag-diary na lang ulit. uso pa ba yun ngayon?