pagod lang

sabi nga sa kanta ng eraserheads:

1457978273330and you just keep trying, and trying. even if naiiyak na ako ngayon. iniisip ko na pagod lang ako (kahit na long weekend! haha!)

naiiyak dahil you get that feeling of never doing anything right. naiiyak dahil you have that feeling of making a wrong decision. naiiyak because of frustration dahil akala mo that that was the right decision.

to remove the vagueness of the post, ganito kasi yun: (1) A has allergies. and a lot of things trigger these allergies. (2) we’re living in 2 houses because of our situation with our toddler — our current house and the in-laws’. the temporary schedule is: weekdays at in-laws, weekends at home.

aside from the toddler, A isn’t keen on staying because the house isn’t in tiptop condition. bawal siya ma-stress kaso nase-stress siya sa bahay.

anyway, for a time, she couldn’t sleep because of the heat of summer. i was hoping to get the A/C repaired but in the end, we bought a new one instead. got sick a couple of times the past few months so everything seemed to just go downhill from there since i couldn’t maintain a cleaning and fixing-up schedule. piles of clothes, both dirty and clean, were just lying around. and not soon after, monsoon season started and we’ve been having leaks all over the house. and with not-so-good ventilation, you get molds soon enough specially when the sun don’t shine for a while. of course, you can imagine the amount of stress A encounters everyday coming home to such a messy house.

she can’t do anything about it since she’ll fluff up the dust and cause her more allergies.

mean time, i was swamped because of the backlog of things to do since i got sick. i never got to fixing it and maintaining any of it. i’d keep it one day and then just forget it the next.

so now, a sort of ‘compromise’ is set — we spend weekdays at our in-laws, so she can still relax a bit and not just be a solo-parent at home with our son, while getting things done in the house. on weekends, we get to sleep in our own house to give lolo and lola a break. this is actually just step 1. the real plan is to move in completely after renovations are made. we’ll live in the 2nd floor and lolo and lola will be on the ground floor with tito. the other house? it’s going to be a garage for the mean time.

today, A asked me to buy medicine. because her allergies are worse and are probably infected. (not to be too graphic: when you’re infected, your white blood cells get active and… you know what happens to infected wounds right?) so yeah. she attributes it to the beddings and pillows. and here i thought all along that sleeping comfortably in our airconditioned room was better for her to sleep in since our in-laws’ room was hot and humid even at night. what makes me feel worse is that she told me she was healing quite well when we spent our nights at our in-laws. every turn, every decision, a mistake.

the worst part perhaps is that feeling of uselessness. inutile. that she’s better off somewhere else. and that hurts.

either “meron” ako today or pagod lang ako.

siguro nga, pagod lang.

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