unhappiness

nature hates vacuums. if it finds a vacuum, it fills it right up with something — air, water — to create a ‘stable’ environment. well, at least according to Aristotle (though DeGrasse Tyson disagrees).

but i think that’s what i’m in right now. or it’s what i have. i have this vacuum of happiness and it’s been fighting my last bit of will. a lack of happiness creates a state of unhappiness. unfortunately, not everything that goes into the vacuum can fill the void. filling it with the wrong things can immediately turn it into a black hole of unhappiness.

i know that food won’t fill my deepest hunger. i know that money won’t buy my deepest desires. i know accumulating stuff will never be enough. nothing satisfies. and this is why i feel so tired, i guess. i feel tired fighting these feelings, because i know that once i give in, satisfaction will only be temporary and will not last. and then the hunger comes back again. it will never end.

i was never this tired. i have never reached this state of unhappiness before. i have never been this worried.

what has changed?

i may need to retreat one of these days. but i’m afraid of the answers i will get.

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