tapos na ang maliligayang araw

this is the thing i hate the most: emotional (over)eating. last week, it was probably just stress. now, partly stress, and partly anxiety. and i don’t want to say it yet because i might misuse the term. but i am thinking it: depression.

madaling sabihin na ‘just get over it.’ atsaka ‘it’s just a phase.’ binobola ko din sarili ko minsan ng ganyan. kaya ang nangyayari, i redirect my thoughts into escaping this feeling. among the things i turn to for happiness is food.

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spiritually, maybe i am drained. aside from not going to mass for the past 2 months, i haven’t gone to confession for over a year now. youtube preaching and reading inspirational messages online don’t suffice. even personal prayer and reflection feels empty. ganito din kaya si Mother Teresa noon?

mentally/intellectually, i am lost, too. and i’m feeling the lack of guidance. i need mentoring. i need a mentor. parang feeling ko, spoiled man ang dating, kailangan ko ng babysitter sa ngayon. kasi wala akong alam.

physically… ito yata ang main source ng ganitong pakiramdam. dahil nga sa bagong magulang na ako, puyatan ang drama ng lolo’t lola niyo. hindi pa nakakabawi sa weekend dahil laging may lakad. kung hindi family event, check up sa hospital. at bago pa iyon, ang lingguhang pag-luwas sa Pampanga dahil sa church duties.

pang-huli ay ang financial part. medyo kapos. and the constant reminder i see that we are a bit short on this adds more anxiety. nagpa-ayos pa kasi kami ng bubong para naman hindi problema kapag dumating na ang tag-ulan. magulo sa bahay. walang parking kaya iwan sa opisina ang sasakyan. dahil dito, taxi halos araw-araw. bakit taxi? dahil di maka-alis ng maaga. kailangan ng magbabantay sa bata. naloko na talaga.

so, yeah. a lot is going on with my life right now. a lot of confusion and chaos. the things i turn to are just temporary fixes. actually, they even don’t fix anything. a temporary high. a distraction.

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