quiet love

ang daming pwedeng sabihin. ang daming pwedeng isipin. you can tell, this is another cryptic post… or should it be a cryptic one? pwede naman kasing sabihin lahat. bakit ba? blog ko ‘to. these are my thoughts. pero ayokong maka-sakit. siguro yung sa part ko na lang yung sasabihin ko. mas madali yun,i guess.

ano’ng meron? i’m single. well, pseudo-single lang. ewan ko ba. we’re “friends”. Β this is the first relationship i’ve been in and i don’t know where i am. as far as i’m concerned, i should be with somebody or not. A or B. black or white. i don’t see how there could be a gray area. am i courting a girl to be “mine” or protecting what i have now from another? ano’ng pinaglalaban ko? sino’ng kalaban ko? am i fighting for our mutual love to continue? am i fighting for my love that she would accept it? am i fighting against the wrong things in our relationship? or is there someone i’m competing with? and it hurts to not know where i am. it’s confusing.

the conspiracy theorist in me tells me a lot of things. for example, how this “friendly” stage could turn for the worse. the fear i have is the ending would be “see? we’re OK as friends naman pala. we can still talk. we can still have fun. so let’s stay friends na lang.” it’s the easy transition from being together to being friends with an ex. and maybe it’s because i didn’t do enough. i didn’t fight hard enough. it’s my fault. that’s what i’m afraid of. it’s what kept me up last night until 2AM and it’s the first thought i had when i woke up at 5AM.

and while in this “limbo” state, i’m thinking how quiet my love must have been. i don’t know. i’m not the type who’s too showy, i guess. or i was just too quiet for too long.

yesterday, just before signing out of work, she told me “text me when you get home.”

“i can’t.” i replied. she asked “why?”

“i’m home only when i’m with you.”

you see, after work or when i go back to the province on weekend, i always text her “i’m at the boarding house” or “nandito na po sa ‘bale‘ (‘house’ in kapampangan)”. i never texted “i’m home” whenever i get to these places. i guess it just never got across. the love was too quiet.

i skip meals sometimes. i never tell her unless i’m really strapped for cash. i still get sick. i feel tired on some days. i can get frustrated with work as well but i try to be as problem-free as possible. why? because i don’t want to burden her of any additional problems. she already has depression to deal with because of her dermatitis. she has insecurities about her skin and her figure. she sometimes thinks she’s stupid because she can’t finish the work assigned to her. imagine all of these happening at the same time. what would my whine about my headache do to make her feel better? how could me going hungry just for a night compare to her sleepless, itchy evenings before going to bed? i can drink water for that. i can bear the pain. it’s not like a bleeding wound gushing blood. i could say “i’m OK” only because i know she feels worse than i did. was this too silent to feel love, too?

i could never be “loud” in my appreciation for her. the “loudest” i got was to get her a laptop. and she even had to pay almost half the price of the thing because i was too poor to pay for the installment for 6 months. i didn’t give flowers simply because i couldn’t afford them. i have a useless “autosavings” bank account that automatically transfers Php 1,000 monthly from my payroll account every payday but i end up withdrawing the same amount from the account just after a week. i tried to make up for the lack of flowers by meeting her where she worked. i was more flexible with my time so i could leave early from work in Katipunan to meet up with her in Makati. she would come over to QC from time to time when time permitted. i consider those moments with her setting foot on QC as one of the most miraculous things in life. πŸ˜›

weekend trips to pampanga back to mum and dad are one of the things i looked forward to every week. i could be with my parents and my siblings for two days. my parents aren’t getting younger and ever since high school, i’ve been away from them on weekdays. it’s one of my simplest and greatest joys to be in pampanga. and to have to spend that time in manila is something i consider very special. i don’t want to spend that time here as much as possible. but sometimes i spend the time here. even if it’s just a movie in gateway, a trip to the dentist, window shopping in megamall, i consider that time to be extra precious. would that have been too quiet, still?

i know, nagmumukhang defensive lang ako. and i am. only because i thought i loved her enough. i have done enough. i have sacrificed enough. but the answer is obvious: i haven’t. otherwise, why would i be in so much pain right now when i should be happy loving her? i was just too quiet.

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11 Comments

  1. Hmm…. what shall I say? Well, I need two sides of the story. Hahaha.

    Okay I’m serious now. Sana we can easily figure out ano? About our pagkukulang and all that. I learned many years ago, na minsan yung mga ‘sobra nating nagawa’ ang pagkukulang natin. Nagkakaron ng imbalance kase sumobra pala tayo in this aspect or so. But the open communication really matters.

    thanks witsandnuts. i guess i really was too quiet. paano nga ba mahahanap yung balance ng medyo discreet pero alam agad na “i’m doing this thing and this is something big for me”? wish i knew, too.

  2. shuger d… ganyan din sya sakin…eto naman ang side ko dyan:
    ako mas gusto ko sinasabi nya sakin kahit may problem sya… kasi feeling ko eh hindi ako part ng life nya and ayaw nya ako pag buksan ng puso nya…
    kaya nga andyan kayo para sa isa’t isa e para may hingahan. mas masarap yun, mas nakaka gaan sa pakiramdam yung kino-comfort nyo ang isa’t isa.
    πŸ™‚

    that’s what i do naman. but as much as possible nga, i leave it as the last option to tell her if i’m really not OK.

    i actually feel bad in a way for posting this. parang nanunumbat na parang wala akong ginawang mali sa relationship. i’m showing just my good points, not the times when i get angry or upset or when i make her angry or upset with what i did or didn’t do. i just had to put these thoughts into writing. hay… i do sound like nagdadahilan lang ako ano? 😦

  3. You should be open with your feelings, i feel sad that you are being settled by the “friendship” that you have with each other, but know this, estimates sometimes lead us to terrible disaster… what we expect to destroy bounces back to our own persons…

    sana maging maayos ang buhay mo, tell her the truth, that you are happy with her, and that home is where your [heart?] belongs!

    thanks sheng. this is just how i feel right now.

  4. goodness! ang una kung napansin dito eh nasa wikang Tagalog un buong blog mo! yan ang nosebleed sakin! (suklatroniko?! ano yun?! haha)

    Ok srysly now…
    I simply can’t say that I understand what you mean for all intents and purposes i simply don’t
    and reading such “rants” give me the sense of simple gratitude that I’m single and have no relationship problems haha but that doesn’t mean I’m happy or lonely…
    But what I can tell you is this, we sometimes have to stop thinking of the person we (love) and be brave enough to speak up and express our feelings no matter how it would hurt the other person… coz the more that you bottle up feelings inside of you it simply shrivels you up inside…
    it’s like what I tell my “kids”, learn to love yourself first before spreading the love – so by that I mean be a little selfish and please yourself first and look for yourself first – then you’d be able to look out and sacrifice for your “love” – so wth am i talking about? i really don’t know! hahaha

    hay, the stresses of relationships! haha! πŸ˜› being single is both a blessing and a curse. and much is the same as being in a relationship. i guess we just choose which is which. i’m happy for you that you find your single life a blessing. πŸ™‚

    anyway, ayun nga. i just let it all out here and i’m feeling much better. πŸ™‚ and tama nga, “love your neighbor as yourself.” i think prerequisite ang pagmamahal sa sarili. πŸ™‚ thanks teacher kit!

  5. bursky!!!! i want to talk to you as in sa phone…or maybe we can chat via email.

    i feel for you my friend. i’ve had two “undefined” relationships before (OMG buking haha) so I can relate to your story.

    if there is one thing i learned about love, that would be it should never be silent..sometimes gestures are not enough. both of you should talk and let each other know how you really feel especially kung ang relationship nyo ay medyo in the gray area.

    thanks ibyang! parang ngayon ko nga naiisip masyado akong naging silent, too comfortable na loving this way is OK. i’ll just have to do something about it, then. aja!

  6. oh, how sad naman. but i hope that you’re feeling much better now bursky. hugs for you. hindi ako magaling magpayo especially when it comes to love. pero tingin ko naman eh nag effort ka naman para puntahan sya in her place, hindi ko nga lang alam kung gaano kadalas. hehehe. suyuin mo nalang ulit sya and dagdagan pa ang lambing factor (hindi kambing ha! lol).

    yes, a bit better but still in “limbo” i guess. hindi ba talaga pwedeng kambing ang bilhin ko? lol!

    salamat!

  7. Hi Bursky.
    The is love….you became happy them sometimes you get hurt.

    Something I learned from love – Always tell what you feel and know what’s your partner’s feeling too.
    Am I hurting? Are you hurting? What? Why?
    Mga ganun…Those questions ang laging natatanong sa isang relationship.
    Along with that questions, sometines ang sagot eh, ok lang ako…kahit hindi. MInsan naaasar ako sa ganitong sagot kasi parang hello!!!serious na sagot ba yan.
    In short, communication. YUn naman ang laging key sa success relationship. πŸ™‚

    I am wishing for you to be happy Busrky. If you need to talk – dito lang ako.

    thanks jeanny! i just have to keep saying na kaya ko ‘to and i will be OK. aja!!! pursigi lang ng pursigi… salamat sa pakikiramay…

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