ang daming pwedeng sabihin. ang daming pwedeng isipin. you can tell, this is another cryptic post… or should it be a cryptic one? pwede naman kasing sabihin lahat. bakit ba? blog ko ‘to. these are my thoughts. pero ayokong maka-sakit. siguro yung sa part ko na lang yung sasabihin ko. mas madali yun,i guess.
ano’ng meron? i’m single. well, pseudo-single lang. ewan ko ba. we’re “friends”. this is the first relationship i’ve been in and i don’t know where i am. as far as i’m concerned, i should be with somebody or not. A or B. black or white. i don’t see how there could be a gray area. am i courting a girl to be “mine” or protecting what i have now from another? ano’ng pinaglalaban ko? sino’ng kalaban ko? am i fighting for our mutual love to continue? am i fighting for my love that she would accept it? am i fighting against the wrong things in our relationship? or is there someone i’m competing with? and it hurts to not know where i am. it’s confusing.
the conspiracy theorist in me tells me a lot of things. for example, how this “friendly” stage could turn for the worse. the fear i have is the ending would be “see? we’re OK as friends naman pala. we can still talk. we can still have fun. so let’s stay friends na lang.” it’s the easy transition from being together to being friends with an ex. and maybe it’s because i didn’t do enough. i didn’t fight hard enough. it’s my fault. that’s what i’m afraid of. it’s what kept me up last night until 2AM and it’s the first thought i had when i woke up at 5AM.
and while in this “limbo” state, i’m thinking how quiet my love must have been. i don’t know. i’m not the type who’s too showy, i guess. or i was just too quiet for too long.
yesterday, just before signing out of work, she told me “text me when you get home.”
“i can’t.” i replied. she asked “why?”
“i’m home only when i’m with you.”
you see, after work or when i go back to the province on weekend, i always text her “i’m at the boarding house” or “nandito na po sa ‘bale‘ (‘house’ in kapampangan)”. i never texted “i’m home” whenever i get to these places. i guess it just never got across. the love was too quiet.
i skip meals sometimes. i never tell her unless i’m really strapped for cash. i still get sick. i feel tired on some days. i can get frustrated with work as well but i try to be as problem-free as possible. why? because i don’t want to burden her of any additional problems. she already has depression to deal with because of her dermatitis. she has insecurities about her skin and her figure. she sometimes thinks she’s stupid because she can’t finish the work assigned to her. imagine all of these happening at the same time. what would my whine about my headache do to make her feel better? how could me going hungry just for a night compare to her sleepless, itchy evenings before going to bed? i can drink water for that. i can bear the pain. it’s not like a bleeding wound gushing blood. i could say “i’m OK” only because i know she feels worse than i did. was this too silent to feel love, too?
i could never be “loud” in my appreciation for her. the “loudest” i got was to get her a laptop. and she even had to pay almost half the price of the thing because i was too poor to pay for the installment for 6 months. i didn’t give flowers simply because i couldn’t afford them. i have a useless “autosavings” bank account that automatically transfers Php 1,000 monthly from my payroll account every payday but i end up withdrawing the same amount from the account just after a week. i tried to make up for the lack of flowers by meeting her where she worked. i was more flexible with my time so i could leave early from work in Katipunan to meet up with her in Makati. she would come over to QC from time to time when time permitted. i consider those moments with her setting foot on QC as one of the most miraculous things in life. 😛
weekend trips to pampanga back to mum and dad are one of the things i looked forward to every week. i could be with my parents and my siblings for two days. my parents aren’t getting younger and ever since high school, i’ve been away from them on weekdays. it’s one of my simplest and greatest joys to be in pampanga. and to have to spend that time in manila is something i consider very special. i don’t want to spend that time here as much as possible. but sometimes i spend the time here. even if it’s just a movie in gateway, a trip to the dentist, window shopping in megamall, i consider that time to be extra precious. would that have been too quiet, still?
i know, nagmumukhang defensive lang ako. and i am. only because i thought i loved her enough. i have done enough. i have sacrificed enough. but the answer is obvious: i haven’t. otherwise, why would i be in so much pain right now when i should be happy loving her? i was just too quiet.