S.T.U.P.I.D. me

i was so motivated at the beginning. now, i think it’s just not going to work.

three years ago, i started my graduate studies in the same department in the same college in the same university. i knew this was going to help me. i was aware that i only know *this much* (hold thumb and index fingers ver very very very very veeeeery close together) about remote sensing. so i wanted to learn. i wanted to be an academic. i wanted to help this country. i wanted to make a difference. i wanted to be an ‘expert’ and maybe raise my economic value in these times where a college degree is often not enough. i wanted to be a cut above the rest. ambition.

and i may have just fallen from that height.

from the University of Minnesota Morris

disheartened with my academic performance, with things bothering me other than academics and research and work, i could not find enough encouragement to go through with it.

i’m almost ready to throw-in the towel. but i’m so close already. i only have to file my thesis proposal, get it approved and then work on my thesis. that’s it and i’m done! but still, i feel really really dumb and stupid. as if i never learned anything from the 2.5 years of academic work.

i start to get interested in a particular topic. say seismology. once i get myself to read stuff on it, my mind just gives up on me. there’s still so much to learn!!! so i skip to a different, ‘easier’ topic… and i unearth another set of jargon and a whole new world of unknowns!

which makes me think i can never absorb all of this — i could not become an expert in a semester. i cannot finish this thesis because i could not cram in my brain everything that needs to be known about this topic! and that’s what frustrates and depresses me. the troubles that i will be going through — sleepless nights, social life, probably work, and family time. is it worth all the trouble? i don’t know anymore… i could have easily said “yes” if you asked me a year ago. now, i just don’t know. maybe not after all.


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