heto na naman ako, walang magawa. kailangan lang mag-ramble tungkol sa kung ano na lang. hay…

ang emo ko ngayon. ganun ba talaga? nakakahawa ba talaga tong si Bella sa emo-ness? well, ibang level kasi tong si Bella eh. jusme, may-i-emote siya to the max over Edward leaving eh tapos natatahimik naman ang loob pag andiyan si Jacob. grabe, ang “user” talaga niya. naiinis ako na naaawa. teka, bakit ba ako apektado? di naman ako maka-relate sa kanilang tatlo ah?

right.

“mind cheater…” -Morgan, Chuck TV Series

if i were at home in Pampanga last saturday, i would just be fine. i would be ok. being home leaves a feeling of security. i don’t know. it just gives me that. so after sleeping-over at the office because of the rains and floods, and hearing of the terrible traffic on NLEX, i went home to Pampanga on Sunday. i was expecting some water but i thought most of it would have subsided after 12 hours or so. so after breakfast at Kenny Roger’s in katipunan (thank goodness they were open! Jollibee ran out of food since the delivery van couldn’t get through the waters the previous day and McDo was closed), i took the bus home and what did i see setting foot on San Fernando? this:

SURPRISE!!!

i was  riding a padyak driven by a manong holduper. P40 for a length of something i could normally walk on an ordinary day. ok, fine, he saved me from getting wet. wag naman holdap na presyo diba??? hay…

i got home, saw that the backyard was flooded about 10 inches to a foot. but it’s ok. no electricity and water. but it’s ok. i’m home.

pero siyempre, i had to come back to manila for work. but it’s ok pa din. i know they’re safe. we can manage. we’ve been through worse.

i was so motivated at the beginning. now, i think it’s just not going to work.

three years ago, i started my graduate studies in the same department in the same college in the same university. i knew this was going to help me. i was aware that i only know *this much* (hold thumb and index fingers ver very very very very veeeeery close together) about remote sensing. so i wanted to learn. i wanted to be an academic. i wanted to help this country. i wanted to make a difference. i wanted to be an ‘expert’ and maybe raise my economic value in these times where a college degree is often not enough. i wanted to be a cut above the rest. ambition.

and i may have just fallen from that height.

from the University of Minnesota Morris

disheartened with my academic performance, with things bothering me other than academics and research and work, i could not find enough encouragement to go through with it.

i’m almost ready to throw-in the towel. but i’m so close already. i only have to file my thesis proposal, get it approved and then work on my thesis. that’s it and i’m done! but still, i feel really really dumb and stupid. as if i never learned anything from the 2.5 years of academic work.

i start to get interested in a particular topic. say seismology. once i get myself to read stuff on it, my mind just gives up on me. there’s still so much to learn!!! so i skip to a different, ‘easier’ topic… and i unearth another set of jargon and a whole new world of unknowns!

which makes me think i can never absorb all of this — i could not become an expert in a semester. i cannot finish this thesis because i could not cram in my brain everything that needs to be known about this topic! and that’s what frustrates and depresses me. the troubles that i will be going through — sleepless nights, social life, probably work, and family time. is it worth all the trouble? i don’t know anymore… i could have easily said “yes” if you asked me a year ago. now, i just don’t know. maybe not after all.

last night was one of the most wonderful evenings i had. it was a harry potter night!

and, well, i felt like i was a little kid again… or that person before who had this warm fuzzy feeling inside him whenever his crush would pass by. or maybe smelling her scent as she walked by. a person who was so tense but was calmed by her voice whenever she spoke, reassuring him that everything was alright. everything is OK…

i miss that feeling. and i felt it again last night. it was wonderful and magical. it makes me feel so alive!

but i’m snapped back into reality… but happy with the feeling, all the same.

wonderfully intricate, right? this once belonged and was used by my grandfather when he was still alive. i don’t have any memories of him because he was gone even before i entered this world. i was still in my mother’s womb when he died. so i guess i have memories but really vague and those that go deep into the parts of the brain we still do not know. i’m imagining this might be one of the reasons why i could have smiled or laughed as a little baby — with no actual experience to laugh or dream about.

if you’re not familiar with it, the object above is a chinrest for a violin. etched on the underside is “Repair by V.M. Basilio 12/18/37″ with my grandfather’s signature on the edge.

yes, he played violin. and from what i hear from our neighbors and church-goers, those who knew him,  he was quite popular violinist in his time in our town. now those are big shoes to fill.

it seems that this is my inheritance from him. i guess i will never know how well he played, if he took formal lessons, or who his teacher was. how was his posture? his playing? but his love for music now runs through me. and playing the violin is just part of it. He never left me after all. May ipina-mana pa din siya sa akin – just as a good father would not leave his son without anything.

na-greet ko na si tatay nung weekend. ikaw naman ngayon. belated happy father’s day, lolo Felix.

that’s the way it should be… Operative word is ’should’.

*deeeeeeep sigh*

Wishing, hoping, praying things will be better.

everyone has a refuge.

some go to food for comfort. some, to their bedrooms or places they feel ‘at home’. others into the arms of someone — a friend, a loved one, relative, and others still, run to their faith for their moments of despair, sorrow, emptiness, and feeling lost.

but if you have no preference for any of those mentioned above, where do you go, then? do you force yourself to be happy? is that even possible? sometimes, i guess, it’s the fear of exposing ourselves that holds us back into running to someone/something. you feel naked — vulnerable.

so maybe, for one such as myself who cannot find someone or something to go to, releasing everything and shouting it out to the universe could be my last resort. by being carefree i might find comfort. hopefully.

somehow, despite Janina San Miguel’s blond moment, the quote mentioned above and now imprinted in my memory like a cow being branded with hot iron (or a horse with dry ice. o, diba? mas sosyal pa din talaga mga kabayo!), may katuturan din naman siya. well, not in the context of the beauty pageant though. that was really ‘mayabang’ i think. pero ngayon, in my current status, i guess dapat lang na sabihin ko na, “i don’t FEEL any PRESSURE right now” (with the emphasis talaga dun sa all caps ang pagbigkas. think Miriam Santiago. only drop a couple of IQ points).

pero pressure nga ba saan? actually, they’re everywhere. and, whether i avoid it or not, getting married is one of them. to think that i’m already with someone, nape-pressure pa din ako. i don’t know alin ba ang mas nakaka-pressure… ang walang girlfriend tapos eh hinahanapan ka ng GF or yung may GF tapos tinatanong kelan ang kasal? hay ewan ko ba…

that’s not the only one that’s bothering me either. sa school pa. bakit ba kasi di ko matapos-tapos tong thesis proposal na to?! and my other subjects. hay naku… matagal ko nang bina-baka ito pero unsuccessful. pressure ba ang sobra or kulang ba ako ng motivation (using it as an excuse). hay…

i’m sure di na naman ako makaka-sakay sa kahit anong flight palabas ng bansa. DAMING BAGGAGE eh!!!

somehow, natatawa at naiinis ako sa mga tao ngayon. totoo nga, you’ll never know how much you are loved until you’re gone. gaya ngayon ng nangyari kay francis magalona. his posts on multiply usually receive about 45 comments. but when he left us, comments flooded to over 2000 last time i checked. it’s funny and irritating, riding on the popularity and the ‘bandwagon’ of people condoling with the bereaved.

kung ako lang talaga, nahihiya ako na magpost ng tribute for such a great man. una di ko siya kilalang-kilala. di din ako fan although i sang his songs. memorized ko pa din ang Mga kababayan, Kaleidoscope World, Mga Praning, etc. kaya nahihiya ako. i ‘knew’ the songs but i didn’t know the man. but there’s possibly one thing i know — that he was bigger than what people give him credit for. he is not just a singer, rapper, host, father, husband. he’s an icon. he’s a hero in his own way. he’s francis m.

my dad during one of their trips to Manila. nostalgia! haha…

i’m guessing this was in the 60s or 70s. wow! luneta’s so clean! and it seems that the roads were really wide enough for n0-hassle travel!

sigh, i wish i could have been there during that era. i could now only imagine how it was really to be there…

and my dad in that funny pose! hahaha…

so slim and young then. but just as guwapo as he is today. i love you dad!