heto na naman ako, walang magawa. kailangan lang mag-ramble tungkol sa kung ano na lang. hay…

ang emo ko ngayon. ganun ba talaga? nakakahawa ba talaga tong si Bella sa emo-ness? well, ibang level kasi tong si Bella eh. jusme, may-i-emote siya to the max over Edward leaving eh tapos natatahimik naman ang loob pag andiyan si Jacob. grabe, ang “user” talaga niya. naiinis ako na naaawa. teka, bakit ba ako apektado? di naman ako maka-relate sa kanilang tatlo ah?

right.

“mind cheater…” -Morgan, Chuck TV Series

sitting in front of the PC at 4 o’clock in the morning at the office, while the rain keeps pouring down on the metro and northern luzon, it takes great effort to work. specially because you’ve been staying up late for the past 3 days primarily because you are thinking of other people’s welfare. that’s the downside of being involved in studying disasters. kaya kung employee ka at pinapa-uwi kayo kapag umuulan, pasalamat pa kayo at kapag bumabagyo at may lindol, makaka-uwi pa kayo!

undeniably, this ‘tragedy’ has proven how low some people can go just for political ambition and how some risk and even at times give their lives, literally, for others. the latter just gives me enough pride to say loud and proud:

yes. you do what you can. nothing is too big or too small. although you can argue some are doing things for personal gain but most of us do what we are doing because we believe in humanity, in compassion, in our fellow Filipinos.

so, how are my fellow heroes?
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*yung mga makasarili, may vested interest at may maiitim na budhi, hindi kasali. *belat* lol

image taken from TPC Ondoy thread. nice idea for a shirt noh?

i’m not exactly a model Catholic so i guess i can’t be accused of speaking in behalf of the Holy Roman Catholic Church even if  i am one. i say that i’m not a ‘model’ Catholic because i don’t exactly agree with everything that comes from the Vatican. am i, then, a liberal? would it qualify for my excommunication? i don’t know. i may be relying too much on my own knowledge and ‘enlightenment’… maybe i just got too used to thinking about things that way, not reading up on stuff before making decisions. just thinking about it by myself.

what actually triggered this is a friend’s blog about why the Philippine government, taking care of a predominantly Catholic nation, should not force Catholics to observe non-Catholic holidays. this would seem fair as he further explains that if the country (or any country) is predominantly Muslim, all Muslim holy days should be observed as national holidays since most of the population would ‘participate’ — people wouldn’t come to work and it would greatly affect businesses, services and schools. Meanwhile, minor religions in the country could observe their holy days but still work (with additional compensation). so it’s basically a numbers game. but is it just about numbers?

my initial reaction, on a technical level, would be a resounding yes. businesses are being halted. schooldays are slashed. productivity is greatly affected if we observe each and every holy day as a holiday. and it would be right to ‘keep the engine running’ while most of the people are not affected by any holy day of a minor religion. this is simply economically sound to observe.

but on a more emotional human level, i must disagree. yes… in comes the irrationality of things. the declaration of 7 Sept and 21 Sept as non-working, national holidays are part of our government’s sensitivities to its citizens. i don’t know. i feel that it would just be equally justified that we observe holy days of other religions. moreover when a Church leader passes. i somehow think it is related(?) to a question during my tacloban workshop. how do you put a value on human life? another point, how do you put a value on biodiversity? our instructor, Dr. Kloosterman immediately said, “you can’t!” and i definitely agree. and that’s why (i think) 7 Sept was a holiday.

would it be that incorrect if we mourn and be sensitive about our brother in a nation but not in faith? would the death of 100 Catholic soldiers be a larger tragedy than the death of 10 Muslim soldiers? by sheer number, perhaps. but the grief and loss would be the same. lives were lost, period. considering one to be greater than the other would be a great error and sin, in my opinion. if this pride about our faith is above our compassion and ability to relate to other people’s loss, then that faith leads people into hate, not love.

it’s one of those things that make me despise religion. we condemn and judge people too much by their faith. religions divide people instead of uniting them. and that’s what saddens me the most. yes, perhaps people more learned in theology or religious doctrine would clarify things but as of the moment, this is what i think. this is what i feel.

my friend also mentioned how sad Mama Mary was (or could be) perhaps because of not being able to celebrate her birthday. could the school administration not select a different day, say Saturday, as a make-up day for the holiday? is it the fault of the government, then, if the institution itself disregards the holy day and turns it into a work day? shouldn’t they have more initiative in keeping 8 September a holiday considering they are a Catholic institution? why blame the government?

well, you could still argue that the moves are politically motivated. i will not discount that thought. 2010 election is coming and politicians want to gather as many votes as they can. by supporting and sympathizing with those who are ‘block voters’, they assure themselves a good 3 million votes. and every vote definitely counts. i cannot prove or disprove their sincerity.

but speaking for myself, as a Filipino who wishes for a united country and human being who knows that life cannot be quantified in any unit of measure, i could not agree with my friend’s propositions.

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image from here.

if only i had internet for the 10-day training i had in tacloban, i would have had more things to write. andami na kasi nangyari. araw-araw, andaming impressions naiiwan saken ng siyudad na yon. andaming missed “Kodak” moments din. things that i now wish i could have taken a picture of to show what tacloban city was really like. not just the places we went to but also how it is at night when all is quiet na.

it may be a little futile to gather all the emotions i had when i got there. hindi na siya kasing-intense eh. mas may awe and wonder ka, coupled with fear and excitement pag first time mo umapak sa isang lugar. lalo na kung you don’t speak the local language.

unang lapag palang sa airport, sabi ko, dapat nakunan ko na ng picture yung grounds ng airport. it was flat (natural! airport yun diba?) and you could see a boat on the horizon. it was a beautiful combination of green, blue, white and the black tarmac. the airport itself is no 5-star hotel but that was irrelevant when we landed. what greeted us was this:

and it was absolutely breathtaking — a sign of good things to come during our stay in tacloban city in the next few days.

first thing we had to do, though, was get from the airport to the city proper to register and leave our stuff at our hotel. since taxis were quite expensive… Php 150 pinaka murang singil samen, naglakas-loob na lang kami mag-jeepney. being with a girl companion, sort of nag-alangan ako pero dahil first time din niya bumyahe, ang sabi ko na lang eh, “sige lang! adventure to!” half-lying about my courage to ride the jeepney to i don’t know where exactly. thank goodness nakarating naman kami sa registration and sa mga hotel namen. magkahiwalay pa kami! nevertheless, masaya pa din. and dahil di din namen sure what to sample and where to sample the local cuisine, we had to resort to Plan B — Chicken McDo. lol…

everybody blog i’ve read has had a ‘hiatus’ phase. and i was like “eh?” with an eyebrow raised and with a weirded-out look. imagine mo na lang pano magsabi ng “meeee ganooon?!” si Mr. Fu, ganun na hitsura ko. heehee…

since hindi ko maaatim na wala akong post sa buwan ng agosto man lang… kung kelan sandamukal na alaala ang meron ako tungkol sa buwan na ito, saka naman ako walang post! pero no-brainer pa din ang post ko today.

i remember hearing over the “News @ 17″ segment of RX93.1 about Freddie Aguilar calling Charice and Arnel as monkeys. and I can’t blame him… ‘monkey see, monkey do’ that’s just it. it’s like they’re big-shot lounge singers (as of the moment, i hope). some might justify that they’re just starting out. ok, i can agree with that. but when will they start making their own hits? Charice’s debut album didn’t make that much noise in the local radio. i don’t know outside but where is she now? still singing other ’sikat’ and ‘birit’ songs of other artists, i guess. and Arnel? last time i saw him was in a moymoypalaboy video. heck, Korean artists get more airplay than both of them combined!

as for people calling Ka Freddie as ‘laos’, he may not be as popular then as now. but is that his fault? (pero aminin niyo, naisip niyo na isa siya sa pinaka-dakilang kompositor at mang-aawit nung namatay si Tita Cory diba?)  iba na kasi gusto ng tao. individualistic na kasi tayo. dare i say escapist music na kasi ngayon ang uso. everybody happy diba?  wala ng pakialaman sa content. basta maganda tunog, sweet yung lyrics or guwapo ang vocalist ng banda (*cough* Hale *cough*), OK-OK na. kaya nga nauso yung panggagaya ng mga sikat na kanta and ina-adapt naten sa panlasa ng tao by adopting the catchy tunes. we “make” it Filipino. pero lyrics lang. asan na yung artistic na pinoy? yung magaling na Pinoy magsulat ng musika at kanta? no wonder may isang nagpupumilit maging isang National Artist kahit di ko maintindihan pano. pft!

watching the video clip on inquirer.net about a man mourning, pouring ashes over himself, beating his breast and tearing his clothes off, i felt the anguish and lament of someone for the dead. if that’s an artist rendition of an objection to CJC’s nomination, it’s very effective and definitely delivered the message right through. well, at a minimum, at least ako naintindihan ko yun. sina Charice at Arnel, gets kaya yun? will they lament at the death of Filipino and the Filipino Artist?

anyway, napa-lalim yata yung pag-discuss ko ng no-brainer na post. hahaha… what i just wanted to share was etong 2 kantang to… na bago pa man nauso ang banana-nanananana at ang payong (payong, payong, eh, eh), sikat na manggagaya na din pala tayo. or manghu-hugot ng musika… apparently, these are the originals.

remember who sang the Filipino versions?

*in a Miranda Priestly tone* that’s all…

i was so motivated at the beginning. now, i think it’s just not going to work.

three years ago, i started my graduate studies in the same department in the same college in the same university. i knew this was going to help me. i was aware that i only know *this much* (hold thumb and index fingers ver very very very very veeeeery close together) about remote sensing. so i wanted to learn. i wanted to be an academic. i wanted to help this country. i wanted to make a difference. i wanted to be an ‘expert’ and maybe raise my economic value in these times where a college degree is often not enough. i wanted to be a cut above the rest. ambition.

and i may have just fallen from that height.

from the University of Minnesota Morris

disheartened with my academic performance, with things bothering me other than academics and research and work, i could not find enough encouragement to go through with it.

i’m almost ready to throw-in the towel. but i’m so close already. i only have to file my thesis proposal, get it approved and then work on my thesis. that’s it and i’m done! but still, i feel really really dumb and stupid. as if i never learned anything from the 2.5 years of academic work.

i start to get interested in a particular topic. say seismology. once i get myself to read stuff on it, my mind just gives up on me. there’s still so much to learn!!! so i skip to a different, ‘easier’ topic… and i unearth another set of jargon and a whole new world of unknowns!

which makes me think i can never absorb all of this — i could not become an expert in a semester. i cannot finish this thesis because i could not cram in my brain everything that needs to be known about this topic! and that’s what frustrates and depresses me. the troubles that i will be going through — sleepless nights, social life, probably work, and family time. is it worth all the trouble? i don’t know anymore… i could have easily said “yes” if you asked me a year ago. now, i just don’t know. maybe not after all.

i don’t and do understand. how did maricar reyes come back from the “extremely damaging” video that is Hayden’s doing? some points i have been thinking about the other days.

no, i’m not an entertainment writer in your favorite tabloid but an ordinary person who likes *chismis* and likes to think about these things.

we all know how the videos came about and how the very smart Senator bong revilla wanted to do this expose to make the victims come out. of course, there’s the senate hearing/investigation/waste of money and of course, the two opposing forces — Hayden and Katrina. in between all of this, there was the Brazilian model whose name i never got to know and never heard from ever and there’s maricar reyes.

maricar is, according to the profile given by ABS-CBN, a practicing doctor and that she and hayden were classmates and even dated. now, wouldn’t that have been so damaging, relating it to the videos? would this not have reduced her career to zero? i guess not. because from what i see on TV, she’s making all the right moves. or she has thought things over long before the scandals came out.

a thing or two that separates maricar from katrina. let’s admit it, katrina has a bad girl image and could constitute the “she deserves it” attitude of people while maricar keeps the good image (despite her being slightly “kontra-bida” in I <3 Betty La Fea) because she could be a victim and fit the stereotype well — how could a pervert like hayden to such a thing to a beautiful, innocent maricar? she played her cards well even by keeping quiet while katrina was fighting for her right as a woman. she was abused, after all.

additionally, 1.) she let katrina do all the hard work. she let katrina be the focus. it’s no use sharing the limelight specially if it speaks ill of you.

2.) ABS-CBN is taking good care of her. i just saw a commercial showing that she’s the next special guest on May Bukas Pa (often referred to as Santino, after the main protagonist’s name). doesn’t that bring a kind of redemption or absolution? lalo na’t papagalingin siya ni Santino at ni Bro… o diba?

i absolutely have no idea why i wrote this down. maybe i just wanted to make it leave my brain. it’s her face i always see. ok fine. i’m in love with her. lol…

everyone has a refuge.

some go to food for comfort. some, to their bedrooms or places they feel ‘at home’. others into the arms of someone — a friend, a loved one, relative, and others still, run to their faith for their moments of despair, sorrow, emptiness, and feeling lost.

but if you have no preference for any of those mentioned above, where do you go, then? do you force yourself to be happy? is that even possible? sometimes, i guess, it’s the fear of exposing ourselves that holds us back into running to someone/something. you feel naked — vulnerable.

so maybe, for one such as myself who cannot find someone or something to go to, releasing everything and shouting it out to the universe could be my last resort. by being carefree i might find comfort. hopefully.

there’s nothing ‘good’ about a Good Friday where TRAPOs are just all over.

eh pano ba naman, they’re giving away cardboard fans with Manny Villar’s face plastered on it with his profile-slash-acheivments. nakaka-irita. isali niyo na rin tong si Mar Roxas. hay naku… just thinking about their campaign ads (huwag na tayo maglokohan, Manny, Mar… alam nateng nangangampanya na talaga kayo). to think i had hope in Mar Roxas… this is just so~ low and unattractive to me.

it pains me to say na ang bobo talaga ng mga Pilipino — kasama na ako dun. bakit? kasi kahit na alam kong ganito, wala akong ginagawa. i just know it. mananalo pa din sila sa susunod na eleksyon, kahit na napaka-obvious na garapal naman sila sa posisyon. nag-uunahan na sila sa pwesto kahit wala pa sa campaign period. kaya walang nakalagay na “VOTE FOR ME!” sa mga TV ads, freebees, stickers, etc. kasi bawal. and the thing is, nakakalusot. mas malakas nga ang recall pag ganito ginagawa pero kung pag-iisipang mabuti, saan nga ba nila ULIT kukunin yung ginastos nila sa premature na pangangampanyang ito?

we’ve heard it time and time again. pero how do we become ‘educated’ enough to know who’s genuinely interested in making this country great once more? who’s interested in giving us the public service we deserve? who’s honest and clean enough?

Good Friday, for me, is everyday in the Philippines knowing these kinds of people are in our government. But there’s nothing really GOOD about it. puro lang sakripisyo. bwisit.

somehow, despite Janina San Miguel’s blond moment, the quote mentioned above and now imprinted in my memory like a cow being branded with hot iron (or a horse with dry ice. o, diba? mas sosyal pa din talaga mga kabayo!), may katuturan din naman siya. well, not in the context of the beauty pageant though. that was really ‘mayabang’ i think. pero ngayon, in my current status, i guess dapat lang na sabihin ko na, “i don’t FEEL any PRESSURE right now” (with the emphasis talaga dun sa all caps ang pagbigkas. think Miriam Santiago. only drop a couple of IQ points).

pero pressure nga ba saan? actually, they’re everywhere. and, whether i avoid it or not, getting married is one of them. to think that i’m already with someone, nape-pressure pa din ako. i don’t know alin ba ang mas nakaka-pressure… ang walang girlfriend tapos eh hinahanapan ka ng GF or yung may GF tapos tinatanong kelan ang kasal? hay ewan ko ba…

that’s not the only one that’s bothering me either. sa school pa. bakit ba kasi di ko matapos-tapos tong thesis proposal na to?! and my other subjects. hay naku… matagal ko nang bina-baka ito pero unsuccessful. pressure ba ang sobra or kulang ba ako ng motivation (using it as an excuse). hay…

i’m sure di na naman ako makaka-sakay sa kahit anong flight palabas ng bansa. DAMING BAGGAGE eh!!!